Tears were fast filling her eyes,blurring the sight before her.The carefully applied mascara getting wet in hot tears.It took just a fraction of a second to turn a soaring heart into a smarting boil.Before the first sobs could break out,and disturb the kissers with its noise,she turned around and ran down the path that lead away from that class room.She frantically wanted to be somewhere where nobody would catch her crying and ask their annoying questions.
[That was my own imagination.The actual diary entry went like this..]
Even now when I try to remember that day,it unfolds before my eyes as though it were really happening right before my eyes.I can see myself standing there at the door to the class,my right hand clutching the edge of the wooden door to keep my knees from giving under me,and my blood running cold like ice.I can still feel the world coming down all around me like a glass wall shattering into a thousand shards..in dead silence !
That evening as I waited beside the railroad track for the train running south, to clear,it seemed to be pulling me towards it with a strange conviction.It would have been glorious to melt into that song roaring thunderously away down south in front of my eyes.
It was pure torture from the start.The first sight ,the falling in love,the longings gnawing away inside me all the while,and now this..and not the least bit of logic in any of it..I would tell my mind that’s why its called love..and a calm voice hiding within me would reply,no.its only that you are losing it…again..
Yes.I was losing it..from the start.I saw you first in a dream during my drug induced sleep one and a half years ago.I had just joined college then and didn’t know anyone there.I was under medication then.They told me I had a ‘mind condition’..a polite way of saying –depression. Of course, it could be cured completely,I only had to take the drugs regularly and let my mind rest.It could have been my mind playing games with me,but when I saw you the next day ,I couldn’t believe my eyes.It was the sound of your laughter,boyish and strong,that drew my mind away from me and towards you.I never let you know that I waited by the path you tread every morning to catch a glimpse.Neither did you know that I talked about you to the trees that bloomed only to make me happy.In the evenings when everyone had left,I would sneak into your class,lie face down on your desk and murmur into it endlessly…..I wanted it to pass on my words to you..Those words of mine didn’t reach you,they failed me and you never knew…Then how did you find your way into my dreams..every one of my dreams..?..that couldn’t have been the mischief of the drugs ,or could it?did you ever even know me?do you know what my name is?or I am the crackhead with no friends and reading all the while,for you too?i think ,now you have answered me .. without looking this way even once..but,i don’t want to know..just hold on to silence like I have done all my life,I will take that rather than an answer.
So read a soggy scrap of paper recovered from her person later on :-
I will stand in this rain and let the cold seep into my bones,till I lose consciousness ,if that will make you see..but I will not utter a word..i will drown my voice in silence..and listen for the least flutter in the air if that will tell me you were coming this way..but I will not speak when you can hear me..i will wait for my longings to quiver and become vibrations that travel in the light air until they reach you and touch your skin..know it when it rains hard and the air chills your skin,I am drenching my dreams in the merciless rain..that the rainwater is seeping in through the slit of an open vein and diluting my blood ,that the blue moon smiles in the pool of dirty blood that leaves me now,that two dreamy eyes are twinkling merrily still thinking of you…